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The Great Northern Pike - July 2023

How to Be a Piker

If you want to minimize your personal interactions and their results, here are some great ways to perfect the art of Pikerism.

(Note: There are a lot of blackbelt-level Pikers out there, and you probably need to really focus on catching up if you want to be relevant.)

(Note: this relates specifically to brand new, initial interactions with complete strangers in a business context, usually by text, email and sometimes voicemail. You need to be a Piker Ninja ® in all disciplines.)

In no particular order:

  • In any interaction in which you need to reach out to someone, avoid talking directly on the phone or in person, to anyone, at any time.

  • From there, limit your communications to random, one-off emails or texts to complete strangers, and proceed to ask for something from them, like information or a showing, as the fulfillment of these requests are your birthright!

  • Treat the recipient of your noble inquiries as if they are not human. They are really just a machine to provide answers and showings and have no skill level or substance at all. And while you may be vetting them, they are definitely NOT sizing you up. You are the Bomb (obviously!) and they are nothing. I mean, your Mom and Dad were right about the Golden Rule and all, but, you know, this is business and it’s about getting what you want and only what you want.

  • Being humble, or graceful, or pleasant is for losers and people who don’t know how to get things done. This is a new age. Introductions are out.

  • NEVER share anything about yourself or your context.

  • NEVER be curious about the other person or their context.

  • Do NOT be open to receiving nuggets of information or insight that weren’t part of the original agenda.

  • Do NOT be aware of generational differences in communication preferences. (In-person, phone, email, text, canned responses versus thoughtful, custom-made verbalized or written human thought.) Never ever meet people where they are instead of where you are.

  • In the rare instances where you must endure a live, two-person phone call or in-person encounter, do ALL the talking, which handily prevents you from having to listen at all to their inane bullshit, questions, or concerns.

Okay, this little bit of fundamental bootstrapping will get you where you need to go. You can stop coming across as a selfish, self-absorbed amateur phony. And people will say, “There goes our hero, our inspiration.” Piker on, Peeps.


-Hugh

Owner/Broker

Spire Commercial Real Estate

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